Shall we analyse?

         "I lost another pen pal. This one added me on MSN, talked to me couple of times, complimented me on my English and then told me that I had become unbelievably boring during the last couple of weeks and that it was rather disappointing. After that, he deleted me. Can't exactly say that I blame him. His English is flawless and the moment he had told me that mine was amazing for a non-native speaker, I felt this huge bundle of pressure heaving against my chest. This resulted in me using several different dictionaries when talking to him, thinking that my ordinary sentence constructions wouldn't be good enough. I started doubting my language skills, checking up almost every two syllabic word in online dictionaries and wondering if constructions such as 'what would you have me do' are correct. Strange, huh?"

         One of my closest friends, Blair, is a gaydar. Absolutely every man she likes is either slightly feminine or completely gay. Recently she and another colleague of mine had joined a group on Facebook called "Oh my Gosh, he's hot, he's perfect, he's... gay." I supported her. When in doubt, we use her. She has never failed so far. Anyway, the two of them started commenting on how often that happens to them and how they never give up, even if that boy was the biggest fruitcake in the patisserie. They would go as far as to try and convince them to play for our team. I told them that a woman could never make a mistake of such nature if entering a relationship with a man wearing a huge chain around his neck. My best friends and I couldn't differ more. Once, the four of us decided to go out for a beer and as we sat down and ordered, we realized that we had all ordered different brands of beer. The same rule can be applied to our types of men. To make things easier, I'll define all four types:

TYPE 1: GEEK (Alecia's choice)

APPEARANCE: They are usually tall, mostly skinny, with weak limbs (tend to increase musculature with extreme physical labor) and oily skin, they like to wear clothes in cute colors and then argue when someone notices.

NATURAL HABITAT: Around a computer/laptop.

MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION: They have their own car and are proud of it (never miss out on an opportunity to mention that), though they still live with their parents.

OBJECT OF CHOICE: IPod.

PICK-UP LINE WHICH MAY INTEREST THEM: Eye to eye contact: "I just love Math! I usually solve equations while drinking my morning coffee!"

NOURISHMENT: Despite their size, they can eat incredibly much (of absolutely anything). 

BEST ADVICE: Don't brag about your Math/Tech/Physics skills for they will actually expect a demonstration. Invite them over for couple of movies and some popcorn. Make sure you have plenty of popcorn.

TYPE 2: FEMI (Blair's choice)

APPEARANCE: They sweat Chanel 5, pee glitter and crap flowers, they're absolutely perky and fabulous, have flawless fashion sense, ponder for hours over different assets, wondering if it would be too weird to wear their sister's shoes. In the end they decide to postpone that for Halloween. It's a good excuse, anyway.

NATURAL HABITAT: Benetton, S. Oliver, cocktail parties.

MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION: They go afoot so that random strangers and mortals can enjoy standing next to them at the traffic lights.

OBJECT OF CHOICE: Deodorant.

PICK-UP LINE WHICH MAY INTEREST THEM: Eye to entire body contact: "Fantastic outfit! You look wonderful. I look like crap."

NOURISHMENT: If outside, they'll eat only the food that doesn't leave stains. If at home, they'll anything.

BEST ADVICE: Take out your best outfit out of your closet, get drunk with them, and then shag them on a kitchen table or in front of a mirror.

TYPE 3: OUTCAST (May's choice)

APPEARANCE: They have long (often curly) hair cascading down their shoulders, wear dark clothes and even if they were stranded upon an ancient Mayan temple infested with carnivorous man-eating plants, they would still pull out a guitar out of their ass and play a soft, romantic tune. They're big fans of mythological creatures.

NATURAL HABITAT: Dormitories.

MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION: They go afoot; cars are dangerous and pollute Mother Earth.

OBJECT OF CHOICE: Guitar.

PICK-UP LINE WHICH MAY INTEREST HIM: Eye to eye contact: "Come on. Have a beer and then play something for us!"

NOURISHMENT: Many outcasts are vegetarians or vegans. Those who aren't prefer home-made cooking.

BEST ADVICE: Here, honesty IS the best policy. Talk about deep philosophical topics (meaning of life is quite fruitful) or dragons.

TYPE 4: CHAIN (My choice)

APPEARANCE: Attractive, superficial idiots who barely master the ability of turning oxygen into carbon dioxide. When they're toddlers, they get their first chain, which not only melts into their skin, but also increases in size as their bearer gets older (in their early 20s, they are able to anchor a ship the size of Titanic with it).

NATURAL HABITAT: Behind/beneath a bar. 

MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION: They have an SUV; the more smoke it produces, the better. Mother Earth is evil and needs to be punished (just as their liver). 

OBJECT OF CHOICE: Chain.

PICK-UP LINE WHICH MAY INTEREST HIM: Eye to boob contact - no words necessary. 

NOURISHMENT: They prefer barbecues and adore meat, especially bloody (preferably attached to a still living being).

BEST ADVICE: Flash your boobs and wait.