"I have a big problem and it's called 'Facebooking under the influence of alcohol'. It is beyond belief how I can automatically start my computer and log onto Facebook and MSN, but can barely hit the keyhole upon entering the house. I ought to seek help. Maybe I should hide my modem before going out. That would decrease the percentage of virtual embarrassment per Saturday. Also, I hate it when I accidentally knock something down in my room, like a book or my telephone, and then my dad immediately yells and asks if everything's alright. The same procedure is followed when I'm in the bathroom, too. It's probably because they know I'm a sissy... and a clumsy one at that. I guess they won't be getting over the falling-unconscious-down-the-stairs-after-cutting-a-finger-on-the-pate incident, damn them. Or the falling-into-the-sewer incident, either. That's Nellen's favorite one - she enjoys retelling it to everyone; her parents, our friends, random people on the streets, our professors... It wasn't a big deal. I had arrived from college and nobody was home. It was already evening and the darkness crawled over. Being a lazy ass, I over-encumbered myself with bags and my laptop so that I, God forbid, wouldn't have to carry things from my car into the house twice. I unlocked the garden door and somehow stumbled inside. The hallway leading to my house was dark, but I didn't bother to turn the lights on. Clumsily did I plod towards the entrance door, leaving the travelling bag in front of it. Then I returned to the garden door, intending to lock it. Regretfully, the workers who had been there earlier forgot to put the lid back over the sewer's hole. I fell right in, along with my laptop and another, smaller bag. Due to those two things, I didn't fall all the way through, but got stuck thanks to my new and enhanced diameter. My ribs were slightly bruised and both of my hands were partially relieved of skin. It was a disgusting sight. My left knee also got bruised after coming in contact with some pipes inside the hole. At first, I simply laughed at my bad luck. Then, after I had managed to crawl outside and after my bruises had cooled off, I started aching all over. For some unknown reason, I instantly shared that experience with Alecia over the phone. I also reconsidered the possibility of calling her back again later after her laughter subsided. She laughed for about 5 minutes and then told me to see a doctor. I honestly don't know why I had even called her. I would have gotten more sympathy from our local coroner.
I finished reading Connelly's book, A Darkness More Than Night. It's a good one. I like detective Bosch even more. He entices me, especially now that I've realized he's a bit of an outlaw who takes justice into his own hands, from time to time. I posted another questions to those great minds on Yahoo!, asking their opinion about which actor would make a good Harry Bosch. I need to give him a face and I'm having a hard time doing it myself. I'm sure that there will be many justified and fruitful suggestions."
Blair is full of hidden talents. After the discovery of her composing haiku poems, she informed us of yet another talent which could easily be cashed. Ostensibly, she has a musical vagina. Alright, I'm exaggerating, all she told us that once, when she had been performing some kind of gymnastic figure, her cherry surprised her by releasing air. This was a huge mistake; not the air part, but sharing such information with the rest of us, uneducated apes. We never stopped teasing her. We even developed a theory of how her pussy might sound, comparing it to various instruments. In the end, we agreed that it most likely sounded like a trumpet. This was actually a compliment, seeing that our next choice was a horn. During one of our English Language Practice classes, we had been solving some grammatical constructions and then we were asked to read the solutions out loud. That jelly professor called out Blair's name and the sentence she got was; "...for he always tried to praise others rather than blow his own trumpet." I screamed. Alecia next to me screamed. Blair could barely read the entire sentence. Our professor remained a bit confused, but didn't inquire too much about what brought on this unstoppable fit of laughter. For all of you interested in the glorious sounds of Blair's vagina, there's a song called "Jungle Shadow" by Kiril Džajkovski. It was performed live at Exit festival in 2008 and it can easily be tracked down on YouTube. THE sound is introduced after the first 40 seconds of the song. In addition to that, I have a prophetic boob (the left one, which is the bigger one). From time to time, it casts foreshadowing of certain events that will take place in the future. Sadly, it can't be used for betting. Yes, I've tried.
"Alcohol brings families together! Yesterday was yet another successful evening. My mom called me down, asking me if I wanted to have a sip of some champagne my dad got for his birthday. How could I have possibly rejected her? My mom, aunt and I sat in the living room for about an hour before their cheeks became reddish and their giggling to my theories about why all pensioners were headed to the market at 7AM turned into a whole-hearted, bordering with crazy, laughter. Honestly, I was almost embarrassed by remaining unaffected by such an amount of this fancy alcoholic beverage. Eventually, to neatly tuck away my alcohol-tolerance from interested gazes, I started fiddling with my sweater, saying that it suddenly became warm in the room, while in fact, I was perfectly fine. After having drunk my share of the champagne, I decided my liver deserved some more punishment so I gathered couple of beers and brought them up to my room. Meanwhile, Alecia had been on her way to the gas station to replenish her own alcohol supplies. Soon enough, Blair, she and I got together in a conference on MSN and rambled on deep into the night."
Eva: Have you seen pictures from the wedding?
Eva: Blair, here's a link to my personal favorite.
Alecia: HOLY SHIT! Those are not boobs, those are JUGS. This picture should be in the dictionary next to 'jugs'.
Eva: God dammit. Those could cause an eclipse.
Blair: She should try covering them next time she goes to church.
Blair: Though I'm not certain what could she possibly use to make them look more decent.
Eva: Maybe a parasol.
Eva: Oh, man. This right here. This is our one-way ticket to Hell.
Alecia: That verdict was adjourned long ago, Eva.
Blair: It seems there weren't many people at the wedding.
Alecia: Yup, that's what I noticed as well. That many people come to my annual festivity.
Blair: Lol! Here's another gem: "My tractor brings all the farmers to da yard and they're like 'Yeehaw'!"
Eva: Why the hell would you be searching for tractors on Facebook?
Blair: I was in the mood.
Alecia: Mmm. Beer.
Eva: We're having the time of our lives.
Blair: Eva, this one's for you: "If they ever make a profile view-tracker that actually works, I'm screwed."
Eva: Join!
Blair: You stalker, you.
Eva: WHY DOESN'T CHAIN WANT ME?
Alecia: Oh. We're there already?
Alecia: Because he's a retarded moron.
Eva: No, no. Wait.
Alecia: And if he ever used his upper head, maybe he would see what he's missing.
Eva: Cut the crap.
Alecia: He would fight for you like a real man.
Eva: Shut the fuck up.
Alecia: He would hold you and never let go.
Eva: Will you cut the crap already?
Blair: I agree with her.
Eva: You're both stupid.
Eva: I'm not in love with him, you don't have to go all defensive on me. I'm just curious to know what I did or didn't do that made him run like hell.
Alecia: Well, you did try to start a conversation about stamps.
Blair: They're as dumb as a rock.
Eva: I've never been in that sort of relationship and it bugs me.
Alecia: What relationship? It was no relationship, it was just a booty call.
Eva: No friends with benefits?
Alecia: No. FWB - friends first, sex later. Not vice versa.
Eva: Fuck, you're right.
Eva: I need a friend with benefits.
Alecia: I'm having a serious conversation with Trevor about my relationship with Christian.
Eva: Great. He has already informed me of your rotten mood.
Blair: Are we having problems again?
Eva: I love this. I simply adore you guys. Just look. One of us is having problems, meaning we all do. You didn't ask; are you having problems again, but you used 'we'.
Blair: Because it reflects on all of us.
Alecia: We are the Borg.
Blair: The resistance is futile. You will be drunk.
Eva: How do we manage to warp everything so that it's associated with drinking?
Blair: It's a talent. Beer us up, Scotty!
Eva: Now I feel hot. If I keep undressing myself at this rate, I will really be naked on this side of the chat window.
Alecia: At least your joining the "You can't see, but when I'm talking to you on MSN, I'm probably naked" group will be justified.
Alecia: Hey Blair, what about you and Shaggy?
Blair: I saw him today and no, we're not in a relationship.
Alecia: You concluded that today, or...?
Blair: Nah, I knew that before. We just confirmed it, so yes, I have a friend with benefits.
Eva: You're putting out already?
Blair: No, not yet. But I think I'm gonna start sometime soon.
Eva: Holy fuck. I need to get myself a friend with benefits.
Alecia: I want a relationship.
Eva: Seriously. What?
Eva: No, wait. Just recently you told me that you didn't want a relationship.
Alecia: I've been thinking about it for a while. The problem is that I don't want just anybody.
Alecia: Can I ask you guys a serious question? And I would like an honest reply.
Eva: Yeah.
Blair: Yes.
Alecia: Do you think Christian and I would ever again be together?
Eva: I've no idea. I mean, there's no fucking way I could even remotely guess on that one. I can't be objective. I kinda like you. Plus in the light of recent events, I've learned that wheel can make a full turn in a matter of seconds. Who knows, maybe you'll end up together. Maybe not, maybe you'll stay just friends. And maybe you'll get kidnapped and raped by a raging horde of horny monkeys.
Alecia: Lol.
Eva: Can now I ask a serious question? I'm also in need of an honest answer.
Alecia: Yes.
Blair: Mhm.
Eva: Will I ever have sex again?
Blair: No.
Alecia: No.
Eva: I have another question.
Alecia: No.
Eva: Fuck you.
Eva: Okay. Imagine the Beer Fairy comes to you and gets you drunk. She then says that you have to have sex with our very own Handy Man, otherwise you will never have sex again. Oh, and I mean no form of sex whatsoever. Meaning - no orgasms. Would you do it?
Blair: Handy Man? That sleazy, half-bald, socially handicapped assistant of ours?
Eva: Mhm.
Blair: No.
Blair: No.
Blair: NO.
Eva: Blair, no orgasms. Ever again.
Alecia: Wait. How drunk would I be?
Eva: Commode-hugging drunk.
Alecia: Meh. Then I would probably do it.
Eva: What about you, Blair? What could possibly force into bed with him? Besides heavy drugs?
Blair: Satan.
Eva: LOL! I'm laughing so hard that I snorted some of my beer through my nose and onto my laptop!
Blair: Damn you all.
Alecia: Why?
Blair: For installing that image into my head, that's way!
Blair: Devil, be gone!
Eva: What the hell are we gonna do about the concert on Saturday? Trevor's got two tickets and he's eager to let us have them.
Alecia: I'm not gonna take his ticket. I'm not that enthusiastic about going.
Eva: Neither am I. But he was nice enough to supply us with tickets. I'd appear a total bitch if I rejected them.
Alecia: Nobody's forcing you to go.
Eva: I know, I know. But I don't wanna be a huge, hairy pussy and reject the tickets.
Blair: Lol, a hairy vagina.
Alecia: Okay, first of all, ew, you're both disgusting. Second, why?
Eva: Because he has two tickets which he maybe or maybe not, acquired because I had expressed my desire to go weeks ago. If he had gotten them just because of me and I refused to accept them, I'd appear a total ass.
Alecia: You have no choice. You've got to go.
Eva: But I don't wanna! For goodness' sake, I peed on him! I can't look at him in the eyes.
Eva: How about he gives us the tickets and he uses his badge to get in?
Alecia: That might work.
Blair: Yeah, I've changed my mind.
Blair: I'm not gonna go.
Eva: LOL what made you think you were even invited?
Alecia: Gah, I'm choking with laughter.
Alecia: She only said that because she realized that she wasn't even included in the story.
Blair: Fuck you and I mean it.
